


as i tried to see the man in him

by justK



Series: one night what i saw in the darkness was the strange shadow that chased me after [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Bottom Qian Kun, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, I'll admit that, I'm lost, Ignore the tags, M/M, Manipulation, Mental Abuse, Mind Control, Mind Manipulation, Not Betaed, Physical Abuse, Psychological Trauma, Still, Stockholm Syndrome, Ten and Kun are kind of in a relationship?, Top Suh Youngho | Johnny, Well - Freeform, because that's not the point, but hey, but i'm not sure i achieved my goal, but something along the lines of mafia and businessmen, but then there's Johnny, i think, i'm not sure what kind of au this is, it's weird - Freeform, just give it a try inside, kind of rough sex?, listen, or violent sex, really - Freeform, so there are injuries during the act, the intentions are never really clear, this honestly sounds much worse than what it actually is, this is supposed to be dark themed, with hints of mental illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-14 09:02:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28542990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justK/pseuds/justK
Summary: i grow sickerday by dayas i realisewhere i once saw a monsteri now see a man(oh,angel—)
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun, Suh Youngho | Johnny/Qian Kun
Series: one night what i saw in the darkness was the strange shadow that chased me after [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2092320
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	as i tried to see the man in him

**Author's Note:**

> not a native english speaker, i apologise for any mistake i might have.
> 
> click for:
> 
> [aesthetic](https://tenactwayv.tumblr.com/post/639425305255247872/i-grow-sicker-day-by-day-as-i-realise-where-i)

it had been a friday night, Kun remembers. they had been out to celebrate Ten's birthday, still early into the year, when everything seemed to be going well and smoothly, since Ten had recently been named the official successor for his father's enterprise. his sister had been reluctant at first, seeing Ten had spent long time away from the family, her original defense was him not being able to run the business properly, but then Ten let her run his part of the hotel chain their family also owned, and that had been enough to bring them together on his birthday, in february. 

everyone was there, well, everyone Kun could care for, the young sons and daughters of some of the influential families from china, which happened to also be his friends, because Ten dragged him basically everywhere, as if he was his own personal trophy to show off. Kun never questioned it, he wasn't exactly unbelievably wealthy like the rest of his friends and Ten's partners, he was actually one of Ten's employees, more on the comfortable lifestyle, but not disgustingly millionaire. the key to their relationship wasn't this but the amount of years they had spent together, to the point Ten couldn't be without him, so it really didn't come as a surprise when they started sharing a bed, subsequently sharing a roof, and lastly, since christmas, the excitement of being engaged. 

so, naturally, Kun was Ten's most precious thing in his life, and if you want to bring someone down, _who do you target?_

while dancing and grinding in that fancy nightclub Ten fancied, owned by Yukhei, one of their closest friends (because while Ten loved gambling, and that was his original plan for the night, most of the casinos were owned by mafia, a thrill Ten couldn't allow himself to live so early in the beginning of his empire, knowing that he was most likely sought after to gain connections), Kun managed to lose his fiancé in such a crowded place ( _come on_ , it wasn't _that_ crowded, but Kun had never been one to enjoy this type of places, so the drama was expected), so he found himself snaking out of the dance floor, back to the vip section they were sitting at, only to find it partially empty, with the exception of Dejun, another one of his friends, most likely trying to close a deal with a young woman. Kun resorted to checking in the restrooms then. 

it was nice, the set of clubs Yukhei ran, some more exclusive than others, but all of them equally luxurious, made for that lush life Kun wasn't yet sure he fit in, even after so many years. turned out, the bathroom of neutral colours and impeccable white shiny floor was empty too, but Kun did need to wee, so he took the opportunity and when he was turning on the faucet, rubbing his soapy hands (with a ridiculously sparkling liquid soap, more expensive than the mirror he used to have back in his old flat, allow me to say) he saw out of the corner of his eye, in the circular mirror of at least nineteen inches, the reflection of a man coming in, along with the sparkly golden lights placed strategically by Yukhei's best interior designer. 

Kun snapped his head up, looking into his own smokey eyes before turning his attention to the man: well-dressed, his suit being probably Valentino or something like that ( _god_ , Ten would be _so_ disappointed in him), thick rings on his fingers and sleek hair; he was pale, slightly taller than Kun and he could easily have been taken out of a magazine, given his model-like appearance. Kun decided he didn't know him. turning his attention back to his now wet hands, he turned the faucet off and took one of those — again — ridiculously expensive paper towels to dried them off. that's when the man came near. 

“you're mister Qian Kun, right?” he asked, carefully leaning onto his hip to support himself on the counter. 

Kun turned right, for there was where the man was standing, turning away from the full-length mirrors that gave the impression of various dimensions and, therefore, more space. 

“i am,” he found himself answering, despite having had Yangyang, his junior, give him countless lessons on how to fool someone that was obviously interested in his status, the lessons never really worked, though. “do i know you, sir?” 

the man shook his head. “no,” he replied. “probably not. but your fiancé does, we worked together in korea a while ago,” so that did explain his accent, it was an acceptable mandarin, a little dragged over the edges and with not enough force where the accent for the words should fall on, “i was just in a business trip, i guess he heard and he invited me here, i just haven't had the time to properly talk to him, i figured i might as well congratulate you, mister Qian, for your engagement, hoping you will relay my message to Ten.” 

“of course,” Kun nodded. “thank you, mister…” 

“call me Jaehyun,” the man said, smiling slightly and revealing a couple dimples on his cheeks, similar to his own, which made him look completely harmless, childish even, _never judge a book by its cover_ , he would have told himself had he known. 

“mister Jaehyun,” he repeated, in korean this time, one of the many perks of working for Ten, the man was international, you'll see, and Kun had seen himself forced to learn at least basic english and proficient korean. “i appreciate your words. is there anything else i can help you with?” 

the man sighed.

“why yes, there is,” he looked down and leaned forward just a little bit, a movement that could have been in his imagination. “i also have a birthday present for him, but i need you for it to be a successful gift!” 

Kun frowned at this. “me?” 

“yes,” he answered without really answering anything. “it's from my boss, actually.” 

“what could i possibly do?” 

_cut it, Kun_ , he heard his own mind say. 

“come with me,” _Jaehyun_ said.

that snapped Kun out of his kind-person mindset. when his friends had told him, especially baby Yangyang, as Ten liked to call him, that he'll be becoming an easy target for hungry men and women, he didn't think this fast, quite literally, Ten had been named the new owner just that same week's monday, Kun thought friday to be way too early for this. he internally rubbed his temples. 

“i think is best if i leave now,” he replied instead, smiling with his lips closed and gesturing with his head to excuse himself. “it was nice meeting you, Jaehyun.” 

_man_ , he had had at least five mirrors surrounding him, and not even one helped him see what was coming for him. needless to say, he never made it to the entrance, for he felt a sharp pain in his neck as he hurried to get away from Jaehyun while holding his neck. 

“what the fuck,” he had the chance to exclaim, as the young man innocently raised his hands like a criminal caught by a cop. it was ketamine, he can now tell you confidenly, after all the boxes of supplies he had seen over time. the advantage of injected drugs, he knew, was how fast they could pass through one's system and cloud it completely. for Kun it was two minutes all it took before he could start to feel his limbs heavy and his mind in a trance-like state, had he been in pain, he could have swore it would have taken all of it away. 

he couldn't fight off when Jaehyun's hands landed on him, picking him up as if Kun only needed some support to move, which was how it felt, like he could move but he felt too dumb to do it on his own. outside, the music was loud, but in his head, Kun heard the sound as muffled as when he was in the bathroom, as if there were walls surrounding him, or his mind; the lights were blinding and Kun couldn't make up sharp silhouettes, instead it was as if he still had myopia, the lines blurred together, the way he used to perceive things, especially at night, before getting his eye surgery last year. it was _suffocating_. 

this man Kun knew nothing about, except a name, because there was no way it was his real name if he had come for Kun alone, it was a disguise, he had carried dragged Kun all the way to the back entrance, how anyone didn't notice, it is beyond Kun, even nowadays, but he took him out without anyone knowing and Kun is not sure how much it took for Ten or any of his friends to realise he was absent. he stopped caring, though, twenty minutes into the drug, Kun had only been awake long enough to distinguish he was being put inside a suv, and then, everything was dark. 

when he first opened his eyes, it was to this cold, empty apartment floor, expensive-looking but lifeless and he wasn't tied up like he had seen in movies, there was no apparent danger in sight. that didn't mean he wasn't scared. 

over time, he had learnt to live in spacious areas, never attaching to one in particular, because _he_ didn't like to stick to one place, more like _he_ couldn't, and where Kun had once felt forlorn, he now felt calm, because _he_ would always come back. 

as opposed to the first time Kun had seen _him_ , it was now a relief to know _he_ would be coming _home_ , home as in whatever almost-empty floor he would pay absurd amounts of money for, only to be leaving by next month, but it was what Kun came to associate with _him_ , so it was soothing enough. 

when the door opened in that penthouse, almost a year ago now, Kun had jumped so high, he could have been mistaken with a cat, but he didn't dare move after that, which was a terrible mistake, seeing the men carried weapons and one in particular had a lash between his hands. 

“gotta give credit to that motherfucker,” he said. “he does like pretty, expensive things.” 

_me_. Kun thought. _they're talking about me._

“come here, doll,” he was told, but he was so terrified, his legs simply didn't move. “are you deaf?” he managed to, at least, shake his head. “then, what the fuck are you waiting for! i said fucking move!” 

the sudden change in voicetone wasn't what made him react, but the sharp pain he felt on his thigh, inflicted by the whip of that one man of white, somewhat long, hair. he was still wearing his Gucci suit, especially picked by Ten, that morning, and it ripped at the impact and it stained with his blood, even in that panic situation he couldn't help but think how much Ten had spent on him only for it to be destroyed like this. 

sometimes it was like that, he had come to appreciate, whenever his captor was feeling particularly down, he would open the door and come in kicking and hitting Kun in the most painful of ways, but then after, it would be so calm, like he only needed that small of a way out to feel harmless, that's how Kun's mind explained it, again. 

_Johnny,_ was his name. 

“but you will not address me, unless i say so,” he had made clear from the very beginning, only allowing Kun to call him by _sir_ when absolutely necessary. 

the first three weeks, Kun does not remember well, because he had been sedated for the most part of it, only awake when one of Johnny's men, _Taeil_ , he had said, _you can call me Taeil,_ brought him food. he still lost weight fast enough, and the clothes that he was supplied with were meant for a small body, like the one he was quickly shaping with the nutrition deficiency. it had made him wonder _why_ exactly he was there.

by the fourth week, Kun allowed himself to break. while numb his mind couldn't think of anything, really, and the hunger he constantly felt clouded his better judgement, but by the time he was not induced into any drugged state, his mind wandered to Ten and everything he had left behind. 

_how did he take it?_

_is he looking for me?_

_i don't want to be the cause of his pain._

all that, eventually, was beaten out of him. 

“it is working,” Johnny had said during the fourth week, when Kun was resting on the window seat, barefooted and with that white, almost transparent blouse covering his torso. he didn't reply, for he was not given permission. “take a look.” 

Johnny handed him an ipad, unlocked and on a website for popular business gossip that he knew very well, after all he had been on the pages of that same journal many times. he didn't question anything, but he couldn't keep his eyes from wandering over Johnny's sharp features. 

“c'mon,” Johnny ushered him to read, voice and expression cynical as he lit up a cigarette. “you'll love it.” 

Kun lowered his head and he had to place a finger on the screen to keep it from shutting down. the header was tragic enough, but it was the pictures, no doubt taken by paparazzi, of his fiancé, which made him break into uncontrollable sobs. put together, that's how he looked, with his unbeatable outfits and expensive accessories, but with such dark spots under his eyes, like he hadn't been able to sleep properly in weeks, and the lines, the _i won't rest until i have him back_ , that Kun could easily read in Ten's voice in four different languages, was what broke his heart. 

Johnny had then taken the screen away from him, just in time for the door to snap open aggressively, to which Kun flinched.

“we're ending your cute little boyfriend slowly,” he hissed. “just as planned.” 

he snapped his fingers and two men he didn't know, of more rough appearance that the ones he'd seen previously, took him and threw him to the floor, Kun landing painfully on his hip and elbow. 

“we'll send him a little present tomorrow morning,” he explained as he lowered down to take Kun's chin between his large fingers. “now, be good, pretty thing, and take it all.” 

Kun never really got to see any of Ten's reactions before the pictures and videos that were taken of him, while he was being tied down, beaten, whiplashed and, sometimes, electrocuted. but what he did get to see was Johnny's expression, the odd, twisted satisfaction all over his face and the loving smile that made its way through his sharp lips when Kun cried and told him how much he hated him. 

“you don't truly hate me, sweetheart,”, he would say. “you hate that Ten is doing nothing to get you back.” 

but Ten was doing something, _wasn't he?_ Johnny himself had shown him the article, Ten was looking for him. 

“that's a masquerade,” his captor replied. “i don't doubt he misses you, but his company goes first, and much to my delight, he has already destroyed most of it,” he was sipping wine, looking classy, he also knew how to dress well, Kun will give him that. “it is just a matter of time, before it all goes to hell.” 

Kun refused to believe him, but the longer he stayed locked up, in the highest of towers to keep him from escaping, the more Johnny's words made sense to him. 

_“he's refusing to pay the money, so he really doesn't care for you.”_

_“i offered him a deal, you know? he rejected it.”_

_“he was seen partying last night.”_

_“he moved out of your flat.”_

by the sixth month, Johnny had stopped hitting him as often, and Kun only cried late at night, locked up in the bathroom, inside that jacuzzi he didn't even use, he was told by Yuta he would be leaving that place soon too, and he was actually given bath bombs to enjoy, but, for what? 

it was that one day, the last in that apartment in the north of the city, when Johnny came in drunk as hell. it wasn't often that he went to Kun's without an ulterior motive, and Kun still thinks he went there because he had had a meeting in a hotel nearby, as he had heard Jaehyun, or _the dog_ , as Johnny would also call him, the one Kun now knew was the one to handle most of his dirty businesses, say. 

“you wanna leave, don't you?” 

that wasn't even a question, of course Kun wanted to leave, but out of fear of getting beaten, he didn't speak his mind. 

“no.” 

Johnny's eyes sparkled at that. 

“no?” 

Kun shook his head. “no.” 

“do you still believe Ten will come for you?” he was close, dangerously so, and Kun knew, out of experience, that whenever Johnny was this close he would receive his fist upon him. that night, though, it didn't happen. 

six months was too long, and Johnny had said it himself, that Ten was giving up on him. so he answered truthfully. 

“no.” 

“what a shame,” Johnny said, then. “you are a beauty, indeed.” 

Kun felt himself tense under his touch, when Johnny's hand came to rest on his jaw, oddly caressing his frequently bruised skin. it was dark, so Kun didn't think the stars shining in his eyes were real, more like a mirage deep in the sea. 

“i love that you never fight back,” Johnny said, licking his lips in what should have felt a threatening motion, but Kun didn't move. “how much i would have given to have you back, had i been in your fiancé's place.” 

Kun blinked rapidly at that. he shifted back. 

“he doesn't want you,” Johnny insisted and despite still feeling a familiar ache in his chest, it was somehow less painful than before. Kun looked him in the eyes, not minding the hit he could receive, Ten surely wouldn't mind, right? he wouldn't even want back someone as messed up as him now. “you can stay here.” 

“were you planning on letting me go, sir?” he had to ask, because that last sentence didn't sound like he was being held captive anymore. 

“the door's been unlocked for the past couple of weeks,” he informed. “and not even once have you tried to escape.” 

Kun's eyes danced at that, anxiously looking at the door and back to Johnny, he could start to feel his palm sweaty and his heartbeat increasing. the heat of Johnny's palm landed on his fingers before he could drag them away. 

“would you like to go back to a place where you're not wanted?” he asked and Kun found himself slowly shaking his head, as he trembled and his breath quickened. Johnny enveloped in his arms. “you are wanted here,” the slight smell of alcohol reached his nose, but it didn't seem as disgusting. “i want you here.” 

_to be hit and to be pliant_ , Kun wanted to reply. but… at least he had a purpose here, and that was better than nothing. 

“come, let me show you.” 

Kun had to grant that to Johnny as well, that he could hold his alcohol well, but probably he could hold any sort of drug Kun wouldn't even be able to imagine. and he came to that conclusion as he slowly undid Kun's clothes with his strong hands, guiding him to that lonely bed meant for Kun in one of the rooms, carrying himself with confidence, as if he had lived in that place his whole life, when in reality, they never spent more than one month in a place. 

he could have never imagined, that he was able to feel such pleasure. _you never fight back_ , Johnny had said, but why would he? 

as Johnny thrusted up into him, in the exact pace that drove him crazy, sliding down the blade of his knife all over his limbs, stealing delicious pained moans out of Kun, Kun himself thought he was here for this man. probably Ten did not need him, _hell_ , he probably didn't even remember him, but Johnny… he shined so bright as he destroyed Kun again and again. 

Johnny dropped the knife and Kun was free to run his hands as he wished, scratching Johnny's deliciously broad back, stopping as he felt wide, long scars running all over it. Johnny shivered and he tightened his grip on Kun's waist, hard enough bruise and add up to his red strokes. Kun didn't stop there, as much as he was dying to ask Johnny — _what happened here? who did this to you? are you and i the same?_ —, in such a vulnerable state, he could only hope to be killed. so he only moaned, long and sinful, wrapping his legs around Johnny's waist and staining him with his own blood. 

“you're such a good boy,” Johnny praised. “Ten doesn't want you, and even if he did, he has nothing left to offer to you,” he lowered down and licked the blood flowing out of Kun's neck. “i, on the other hand, can offer you everything.” 

Johnny had stayed true to his word, and the very next morning, although he woke up alone to an empty bed, he woke up to a gentle Taeyong, one of Johnny's men, the one he knew took care of children, helping him into the bathtub, cleaning all of his wounds and taking him out of that place, and into the world for the first time in months.

it was scary, Kun's not gonna lie. to feel the heat of the sun on his skin, and the eyes of uninterested people on him, Taeyong's hand grabbing his own as bags of clothes filled his grasp. 

“why are we doing this?” he had asked. 

“Johnny's orders,” Taeyong, oh, loyal Taeyong, said out loud. “i just comply.”

the new place, _his_ new place, as Johnny had said, was fancy and just as high as the previous ones, if not even more, with actual food inside the fridge and a pretty set of pans and cutlery, men coming in and out with basic furniture. 

late at night, Johnny would swing by. 

“do you like it?” 

“i do,” and a shy smile would ghost his plump lips. 

it was lonely, up there, but Johnny would find some time throughout the day, sometimes coming in soaked in someone's blood, holding his latest weapon, grabbing Kun by his neck and throwing him onto whatever surface, lashing at Kun's white skin while his smaller figure was tied up. 

_anger_ , that's how Kun would justify it, because he then would thrive in the way Johnny would glow in the aftermath, like all his worries were taken away from him and _maybe he isn't any different than me_ , he also needs someone to lean on, someone to get all his anger out on.

and that's what Kun would wonder way past midnight, around the tenth month of being held hostage, when he had long stopped seeing Johnny as the shadow of a man, because he was not a shadow, he was a person, albeit one with a dark soul, but he was a soul, nonetheless. 

_“you have to stop being so gentle, gē,”_ Yangyang used to say. _“not everyone comes to you with good intentions.”_

 _“you gotta stop thinking so lowly of people,”_ he answered. _“everyone is good at heart.”_

so, as Johnny slept, naked, under the now cozy warm beige sheets of his bed, with his scars uncovered, Kun would trace them with the tip of his fingers and he would talk to himself, _who did this to you?_ then he would trace the lines of his face, wondering what could have possibly made him this way. 

“are you scared of me?” 

Kun would have once answered _yes._

“no.” 

but not anymore. 

then, Johnny would smile, all tall and toned, with bleached hair, no wonder done by Taeyong, with that big tattoo on his left arm, and for a brief moment he would seem happy, relieved, _free_. 

“join me tomorrow?” no place to say no, not that Kun wanted to, anyway. 

it was the first time that he had been invited to whatever it was that Johnny did, Kun wasn't sure he was meant to be there, especially when he had lost grip of himself and fallen onto his knees crying and begging for Johnny to stop, saying that that poor man didn't deserve what was being given to him, and so Johnny dragged him back to his place. 

“so you think he didn't deserve what he got?” 

“Johnny please, i am sorry, hit me instead,” he was begging, falling onto his knees and holding onto Johnny's expensive coat. 

“that's right, because you will only ever get what you deserve!” 

a painful, numbing kick sent to his gut, where he was sure would bruise a terribly dark blue hue in the morning, and then one more to his ribs, from his back; a hand grabbing him from his collar until he hit the sharp edge of the wall with his cheekbone, opening the skin. 

“you will not pull out a stunt like that ever again,” Johnny sentenced, stripping himself off his clothes and ripping Kun's clothing with his hands in a blunt display of strength. 

“no, i won't,” Kun affirmed, being roughly dragged by his hips to position his body the exact way Johnny wanted, opening his trembling legs and holding on his chest, as Johnny inserted two long fingers in one go. “a-ah.” 

“you like it?” Kun moaned out a _yes_. “good, because that's all you're good for: for satisfying me. but hey, at least you have a purpose here.” 

“Johnny, please,” Kun would arch his back some more, trying to impale himself on something more than Johnny's skillful fingers. that's when he would let go of Kun, undoing his belt and pulling out his aching cock to then reach for Kun's neck and make him stand on his knees and against his chest. 

“now that i have you, i'm never letting you go,” in one swift motion, he was fucking Kun, long and pleasurable, Kun struggling to hold still. “i wanted to bring that fucking bitch down, and i did, but i also gained you, because turns out you weren't that important to him,” he approached Kun's ear. “i've broken you down and no one can build you back up as i do.” 

“ _ah,_ ” Kun mewled as he was hit on his prostate again and again. “i'm here for yo-ah, you. i'm all yours,” 

“yes, you are.” 

and as dawn comes out, Kun still awake as he listens to Johnny breathe, and dream, sometimes he would hear a sob and his insides would cave in as he realised it wasn't coming from him. wiping away Johnny's sleepy tears, that was enough to trigger the humanity in Kun. 

_he's in pain._

_he's human._

if someone from his old life tried to come for him, which he was sure it was done no more, he still wouldn't try to go back. 

because waiting for Johnny late at night was everything that kept Kun at bay. 

_he needs me. i need him._

Johnny opened his eyes, and where once Kun looked into cold and dead orbs, he now saw the ray of a person right through them. 

“will you leave me?” 

“no.” 

Johnny would then nod and smile, and Kun would forget about everything else, because Johnny had made him see, he deserved nothing but this and Johnny deserved nothing but him. 

a nod. and Johnny would open his mouth—

_it makes me sicker_

_day by day_

_that i fall back into the arms_

_of a monster_

_who was once a man._

_(—you know you're safe with me,_

_right?)_

**Author's Note:**

> well... i'm back with this one ffic which i really don't know where it came from, i was watching this mexican drama from netflix (bc in case you don't know, i'm mexican :D) and so suddenly this came up in my head, still not really sure what i wanted to achieve tho and i'm not entirely satisfied,,, anyways that's not the important thing here, i would just like to ask for your kudos and comments in case you like, at least a lil bit, this... whatever this is :)


End file.
